So, I was thinking last night about that dress that I found at that cool shop that upcycles (From Somewhere) and London-ish-ness in general. There’s nothing like moving to a large city to make you feel unfashionable and stodgy, especially when half of your clothes are packed away in storage somewhere. Sure, we lived near Chicago before, but the operative word is “near”…the Chicago suburbs aren’t the same thing as being in Chicago. That was one of the reasons why we rather wanted to move…we lived in a wonderfully idyllic neighborhood surrounded by…not much, really.

Since I’ve been in London, I’ve felt really, um…not up to snuff. Not to mention that the equation of moving stress + eating out loads and loads (mostly not being able to cook for various reasons, such as not having access to a kitchen…or not much of one) for nearly 4 months + a month of staying with my mom, who loves to feed people + getting through the holidays = quite a few extra pounds packed on. I think I’ve gained back nearly all the weight I’d lost last year. Maybe not quite all, but a lot more of it than I’d ever wanted to see again. It’s hovering…er, quivering, really…around my mid-region, deciding whether or not it wants to take up permanent residence or not. I think I have managed to lose a few of those persistent pounds through recent walking and the fact that we are cooking again and I’ll be working on the rest this year. Anyway. Let’s just say that if one were to compare me right now to a cartoon character, curve-wise, I’m much more Jessica Rabbit than Olive Oyl.

Which brings me around to why I was thinking about that dress (ha, look how I did that!). The shop girl was one of those incredibly thin Asian girls (like in Shanghai, another place I felt very frumpy, even though we went while I was waning rather than waxing) who can most properly be compared to a toothpick, but a toothpick with great style and panache. I was trying on various dresses and finding lots of them to be rather more revealing of my lumps and bumps than I really wanted the world to see. “But,” she said after I mentioned I was feeling rather large, “you’ve got curves! You’ve got a lovely tiny waist.” And some other things to that effect (though, cynic-me thinks “ha, she’s quite the sales lady then, isn’t she?”) while gesturing to herself and her toothpick-ness.

Me, circa high school

When I was in high school, I was a toothpick with (small) curves. I weighed 85 lbs (keep in mind my height, or lack thereof to put that in perspective).

And I thought I was fat. Felt like a blimp. A whale. Didn’t believe anyone when they told me how pretty I looked or anything complimentary at all. Was probably borderline anorexic at times.

I try to be healthier than that now. I don’t starve myself (heavens, the hips are testimony to that). And I try to be smart about it and tell myself that, yes, self, you are heavier than you should be right now, but you’re not a bucket of lard, so stop all the inner moaning, would you? You’re being healthy now, after a stint of not-so-healthy, so suck it up. You’re just fine, alright?

Anyway, not that I really had a point with all of this. Just that, perhaps, you should try to enjoy who you are RIGHT NOW. Take pictures. Be in the moment. Over the years, sometimes you’ll be heavier, sometimes you’ll be thinner, sometimes you’ll have zits, sometimes your skin will rival that of a porcelain goddess…things change. They always do. So buy that dress or those skinny or not-so-skinny jeans. Be spontaneous. Dance when no one is looking, but dance when they are too. Be silly. Be beautiful.

Because you are.

P.S. Yes, I am going back for that dress today.