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And here’s where I promise to blog every day…

…until I don’t.

There’s a reason I don’t do NaNoWriMo. Any time I have an arbitrary goal, my brain immediately begins concocting excuses to not follow through. ‘Cause I’m contrary like that.

But I *would* actually like to blog every day for a while. I think it’s safe to say that my mental health is better when I’m writing, because then there’s an outlet for the weirdness in there. As John Lee Hooker says, it’s in there, and it’s got to come out. Of course, he was talking about boogie woogie, but I think you get my point.

And I’m not working on a book right now. There are a number of reasons why not and I can’t really share any of them, so…I’ll just leave it at that.

My brain is going to explode.

So I’m going to try and blog every day for a while.

Just warning you.

(and look at what an overachiever I’m being! This is my second post today. Okay, yes, I’m up past my bedtime and I’m going to regret the heck out of it in the morning, but hey, there you go. I also changed around the website a bit and updated the About Me page. Not that you necessarily wanted to know anything about me. But just in case.

EDIT: Except, apparently, my blog is living in a different time zone than I am because I pushed “Publish” at 11:12 PM and then checked it out on the site only to see that it says Nov. 5th instead of Nov. 4th. And not only that, but the “last edited” thingy says 4:12 AM…okay, excuse me, but where the heck does my blog actually live? Is it off partying somewhere that I don’t know about? What in the world is it doing up at 4 AM??)

Freaked out

I’d whittled myself down to just one pain pill a day (generally taken at night) a while back, with brief upsurges when the back/leg pain got unbearable (had a few really bad days while moving/packing/unpacking). I really just want to get off of it completely. I don’t like what it does to me and I don’t care what they say about it causing euphoria…that’s not one of the side effects that I get. Mostly it just makes me sleepy and sometimes kind of addled and fuzzy. I sleep well and badly at the same time. Always have a hard time getting up.

So last night I didn’t have a lot of pain so (I guess I can call it last night, even though I haven’t slept much of it) I thought I’d see how I’d do skipping the pill completely. Well, let’s just say that the withdrawal symptoms didn’t hit right away, but by 5 AM, they were driving me crazy. I thought I’d been doing pretty good, getting down to just the one pill. I didn’t think skipping it one night would be that bad.

I finally went and took a pill about 5:15 AM. But they take a little bit to kick in, so I went to the laptop (my true drug of choice, I suppose) to look up hydrocodone and withdrawal symptoms and what not. Maybe some hints on the best way to get off of it, no matter that the dr. prescribes it for my pain. I’m hoping that it could be something that I could just take when the pain gets really bad and not on a daily basis. After all, the pain is much, much better now than it was before when I could hardly walk or move. It’s pretty light to moderate on a normal day, though I can still have a bad day now and then for no apparent reason.

To make a long story short, the information I find on it scares the bejesus out of me. The dr. definitely never covered this stuff as much as I think he should have.

This I pretty much knew:

Hydrocodone is a semi synthetic opioid (narcotic) derived from two of the naturally occurring opiates, codeine and thebaine. Hydrocodone is prescribed for the relief of moderate to moderately severe pain. It is taken orally as an active narcotic analgesic (pain killer) and an anti tussive (cough suppresant). The pain relief by hydrocodone is thought to involve peripheral and central actions but the exact mechanism(s) remains unknown. Because the drug acts on the brain, its major side effects are central and include dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, euphoria, lightheadedness and confusion.

I can certainly testify to the lightheadedness, the dizziness, the drowsiness, and the confusion.

This I didn’t know:

Hydrocodone may also affect the center that controls respiratory rhythm, and may produce irregular and shallow breathing.

Sometimes I get that choke-y feeling of not being able to get enough air. It’s freaky.

And it goes on to say:

Repeated hydrocodone use can lead to habitual craving and lead to both physical and psychological dependence. In those individuals who take hydrocodone for prolonged periods, sudden stoppage of the medication can lead to withdrawal symptoms. These may include extreme anxiety, difficulty breathing, vomiting, sweating, palpitations, lack of concentration and an intense craving for the drug.

The dr. had started me on tramadol first, back in early 2005. But he put me on hydrocodone that same year, at first having me take 2 pills at a time, 4 times a day. When I took that many, I just really couldn’t function. I went down to 3 times a day, even when he was still recommending 4. At any rate, I’ve been on some dosage of it for over a year. Yeesh, drawing close to 2 years. Is it any wonder that I haven’t finished my second novel? That’s an excuse, but I think a valid one.

Anyway, getting back to the withdrawal symptoms. The only ones I didn’t have this morning by 5 AM are the vomiting and the intense craving. Well, I suppose it equates to a craving, even though mentally I really *don’t* want to take it. As mentioned on a different website, I also have some other symptoms (that I didn’t even realize were symptoms): a runny nose, restless legs (that’s the one that really drives me crazy), crying for no reason (I get this quite a bit, actually…a particularly beautiful song playing on the radio makes me want to cry sometimes).

And more:

The time period of drug consumption which leads to dependence is variable but may range anywhere from 6-12 months of continued use. Dependence and addiction to this drug is usually treated with slow withdrawal of the drug, use of methadone, psychological and supportive therapy through an effective drug rehab program.

Methadone?? Frigging methadone?? I just…I don’t even know what to say to that.

Others report similar issues to me:

I find that I am constantly tired and have none of my normal ambition. I sleep 9-11 hours per night and still never feel rested.

Tony gets on me sometimes for how long I seem to sleep. It’s not that I want to sleep 11 hours a day. Or 10 or whatever. Even when I do, I feel like I haven’t slept at all. I guess it’s just good to see that I’m not alone in this.

And at least there’s this:

Physical dependance is not the same thing as mental addiction though. Some folks are able to take narcotics for pain, appropriately and as prescribed, without ever abusing them.

I don’t feel like I abuse them. I generally try not to take them, except when the pain is bad. My prescription is still technically for 3 a day. I almost never take that. Usually I just do the one pill at night. By the end of the day is usually when the pain kicks in.

And this is kinda hopeful:

Question: After taking this medication for a year with back pain what is the best way to stop taking it without withdrawal symptoms?
Answer: It depends on the dosage and the time you have been on the drug. In general, cut the dosage about 20% every week. Once you get to 20% cut 5% a week until it is gone.

I guess what I need to do is start chopping the pills in half for a while instead of going from 1 to none. Some other forums seem to suggest this too. And there are some other drugs you can go on to alleviate the withdrawal, but I kind of hate to do that. That just seems like trading one problem for another.

My big worry, I suppose, is what do I do when the pain gets really bad? The steroid treatment I did late last year really really helped, but it was a one time thing and I’ve had some bad days since then. I don’t have too many bad days any more, but they are still there. If I get completely off of this stuff, is it safe to take a pill every now and then when the pain is really bad?

I guess I need to find a doctor up here now. Not that so far the doctors haven’t seemed concerned with how long they’ve had me on this stuff. But I don’t like anything controlling part of my life.

Information taken from:

blogerator

I keep debating about starting up a new blog — a private one. Blogger has that feature now where you can block your blog or just allow only certain people to view it (they have to log on). Sometimes there are things I want to kvetch about and I don’t really want to do it in a public place. Sometimes I’ll write about them in my offline journal — a real, honest-to-goodness diary. But I never remember to write happy stuff in it, so then it just winds up being a really depressing thing to thumb through. I dunno.

I think I am going to start a new blog for our move to Chicago though. Kind of like what we did with our Louisville blog. It was really handy — people/family could keep up with what we were up to and we could use it as a reference to all the places we’d discovered. I had been thinking about just adding that stuff to this blog, but it doesn’t really go somehow. I can move the few entries that I made about restaurants to the new blog.

Esp. since I want to be more structured and consistent with my writing once we move. This is kind of my writing / hopes / dreams / fears blog. Maybe I’ll go really crazy and post my word totals for the day. Then people can yell at me when I don’t write. heh.

Yikes. Kind of crazy, isn’t it? Maybe I should just go back to the whole paper & pen thing and not worry about keeping this stuff online at all.

Still not asleep

Still not asleep, but messing around with Photoshop. Okay, seriously, I’m going back to bed (again).

Intemperate as ever

Shhhhhhh…It’s Oh So Quiet….shhhhh….shhhhhh…It’s Oh So Stale….Shhhhhhhh…

I haven’t slept yet tonight. Can’t sleep. Desperately want to. It’s pretty much morning, now. I’ve taken another set of pills, hopefully they will push me over the Sandman’s ledge and my eyes will…close.

That’s Bjork up there, by the way.

And, of course, tonight is one of those nights where the house is all creaky. And Tony isn’t home. And I have five million things I need to do tomorrow, including mailing Christmas presents so they hopefully get where they are going in time.

Happily, tomorrow is the last day of the steroid pack of pills I’m on for my back. I think they are the root of my insomnia. I’ve had trouble sleeping at night since I started taking them (5 days-ish ago). I think they’ve helped the back problem — though it’s a little hard to tell, in a way — and I won’t know for sure until after a while. At which point I have to see the Dr. again and decide whether to go for the epidural treatment.

But I’d really like to sleep right now.

I did catch some Zzzzzz’s today/(technically) yesterday morning after I dropped Tony off at the airport. I wanted to make sure I’d catch the UPS guy, so I slept on the couch, fitfully, but did not fall off. But, hoo-boy, what weird dreams! I think that must be another side effect. It wasn’t specifically listed, but “possible psychotic episodes” was, so hey, weird dreams aren’t exactly unlikely.

I’m so ready to move.

Not ready in the “everything packed and set to go” sense, but ready in the “Louisville has ground me down and I can’t take it anymore” sense. I don’t think I ever want to live Southern again. I knew it from that stint in Mississippi, but I didn’t have a choice then being as I was just a teenager. And yes, I know that Florida is technically about as South as you get for the U.S., but there’s a big difference between Florida and Kentucky.

Trust me.

Some of it is unreasonable of me, I know. But once I’m done…well, I’m just done. Stick a fork in me and all that.

I really, really want to go to sleep.